As You Were
by purpleraincloud
Summary: IN PROGRESS. Spock chases Jim through his memories. K/S
1. Chapter 1

As You Were (1/?)

Warnings: K/S established, violence, sexual situations, angst

Summary: Spock picks up the pieces

Disclaimer: Just playing in other people's sandbox. I own nothing. I'm also borrowing the Leerans, their name and their appearance, from K.A. Applegate.

* * *

It had been three weeks. Three weeks, two days, five hours and fourteen minutes, according to Spock, who sat motionless, save for the slight shifting of his fingers every once in a while to straighten the starched sheets of the biobed. He had perhaps another minute or so before he needed to report back to the bridge, serving now as the acting captain. He supposed it shouldn't make a difference to him now, how long he stayed, tracing the line of veins along the hand of the man he knew so well, a man who could not appreciate the gesture. James T. Kirk had lain unmoving in this very biobed for three weeks after all.

Spock had been avoiding them all. Not literally of course. That was impossible. They were his most trusted crewmembers, but the laughter and exuberance that had once inhabited the bridge was replaced with tense silence. He did not need them. Nyota's sympathetic stare. Chekov's determined grimace. Sulu's despair. _None of them understand. _Although that was not entirely fair. There was one who did.

"There's nothing I can do for him," the Enterprise's chief medical officer, Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy announced without preamble, knowing without looking up, whom had entered his office this late in Gamma shift. The counter Spock prepared died on his lips when he stared intently at Dr. McCoy. The man obviously had not slept or not slept well, in over a week. The hair he had a habit of running his hands through when anxious in complete disarray, as if he had been doing nothing but running his hands through it all day. "As I've told you before, there's nothing wrong with him. Not physically."

"Surely if that were the case, he would have awoken by now."

"Jim, Spock. He has a name," McCoy stated warily, throwing his unread paperwork down and running a coarse hand through his mousy brown hair. "It's bad enough Starfleet is pulling him off official command of this ship. He won't be 'Captain' soon enough. If he's not 'Jim,' well." _Then he might as well be dead. _McCoy could not be so cruel.

"If we cannot show Starfleet that the Captain has some hope of recuperating they will have him sent back to Earth. To a hospice." _To die. Alone. _It would have taken Jim to have noticed Spock's mask slip at these words. The collection of air in his Adam's apple, the slight indentions at the corners of his lips, the narrowing of his eyes. Spock could not breathe for the thought of this.

"….one thing left to try." Spock started at the words. McCoy looked up at him wearily, handing him a brief, half-page print-out.

"This is," Spock began, scanning the text on the page.

"A longshot. I've been consulting with medical personnel throughout the Federation since this damn nightmare began. A few days ago I received that message from a healer on the new Vulcan II colony. Healer Selek."

Spock's eyes widened at this. "Healer Selek is…"

"You from the goddamn alternative reality future. Let's not talk about that. It gives me the creeps," McCoy grumbled. "Apparently he and the Kirk from his reality share some commonalities with you and…well this Jim."

"Doctor McCoy, if you may, as humans say, 'cut to the chase,' how is any of this information going to help us recover the Captain?"

"He said that throughout his life he has frequently been able to call Jim back from the brink. Through that damn alien telepathic what's it you two share."

"Our mental bond."

"Yeah," McCoy waved his hand dismissively. "Your mental what's it. Have you tried it?"

Spock studied McCoy's face carefully, but found no signs of the doctor's usual facetiousness. "Our bond fell silent the minute Jim was attacked. It has stayed so throughout the time I have been by his bedside."

"Have you tried to, you know, poke around?" Spock raised an elegant brow at this. "Oh you know what I mean you green blooded hobgoblin. Have you tried talking to him through the bond?"

"Our bond is new," Spock confessed.

"So no," McCoy demanded flatly.

"I have not tried such a thing." McCoy said nothing for a moment, but the request did not need to be vocalized.

"I am off my shift in thirty minutes. I will return then." Spock turned to leave.

"Thank you," McCoy spoke so softly even Spock almost didn't hear him. That also did not need to be vocalized. Spock did not respond.

As had become his habit for the past three weeks, Spock returned to his quarters, showered and dressed in his "causal attire" before departing for the sick bay. To Jim. His "causal attire" consisted of clothes Jim attained for him on their last shore leave in San Francisco: a light weight, grey and black argyle sweater and a pair of dark trousers. "_Don't you look so cute?"_

He carefully lit the lavender candle on the small table beside Jim's biobed. It emitted a pleasant fragrance that Jim expressed preference to several months ago. Although that time seemed very long ago now. When the touch of Jim's hand became the touch of his mind. A soft caress in the dark recess of his mind. Spock blew out the candle and took a deep breath; shutting his eyes and willing the pain in his chest to recoil. It was illogical how the thought of the loss of this man could send him into such a mental tailspin and yet he had read the message from "Healer Selek" over and over again. The words of his elder self reverberating through Spock's mind through the remainder of his shift. "_You and Jim are one. We are t'hy'la. If you call him back, he will come."_

Spock was unaware of when his fingers began to intertwine with Jim's, but had to relax his hold when he realized he was currently doing so with bruising force. His link to Jim was so new. So unrefined. He relit the small candle and brushed stands of gold away from Jim's forehead, letting his fingers trace the man's familiar, angular features until his fingertips rested where they needed to be.

_"Jim?"_

* * *

"_Good evening Captain Kirk," the Leeran woman purred in his ear. Jim willed himself not to flinch, but smile charmingly instead, taking the hand proffered to him. _

_"Lady Rhea."_

_"We hope you are enjoying the festivities," the man, or at least, Kirk thought it was probably a male, although it seemed both sexes spoke with a tone of voice Kirk found a bit unnerving. _

_"Having a gay ole' time as they say," Kirk replied boisterously, hiding another fake smile behind his drink. _

_"It was kind of the Federation to send one of its captains to attend Lord Camden's inauguration." Kirk almost didn't hear him, eyes too busy scanning the crowd for Spock, Ensign Tomilson and the handful of other Federation officers who accompanied him on this diplomatic mission. He forced another smile and nodded courteously in acknowledgment. _

_Kirk quietly studied the Leeran male's features. Bemused at how his thoughts continued to return to a certain Vulcan to use as a comparison. The Leerans were also a race of telepaths, but that was where the similarities started and stopped. The home world of the Leerans was over 90% water with arctic like weather conditions, causing the Leerans to develop physical features not unlike the sea mammals on Earth. Kirk also vaguely remembered a mumbled lecture from Bones regarding strange Leeran lung capacity, but he had not been paying much attention. _

_"What better way of saying, 'Welcome to the Federation,'" Kirk replied easily when it seemed the Leerans currently crowding his personal space were demanding some sort of response from him in regards to the Leeran male's comment. _

_The Leerans murmured their approval and began, to Kirk's relief, to disburse. _

_In fact, Admiral Pike was to be the envoy on this particular diplomatic mission, but had requested Kirk take his place when an uprising in the neutral zone diverted the Admiral's attention. Kirk was glad to oblige. His crew was worn out from their last mission, which had left several crewmembers severely injured and viewed the new orders as the perfect time to allow his team to rest and rebuild morale. The Leerans were newly minted additions to the Federation and their technology and mineral rich planet were the topic of much gossip throughout Starfleet. _

_Kirk's eyes roamed the crowd again and settled on Spock once more. His first officer seemed as ill at ease as himself, but Kirk knew lying under his thinly veiled apprehension was deeply rooted concern. Spock did not trust the Leerans. Neither, of course, did Bones, but Bones never trusted anybody. _

_"Captain Kirk?" _

_Kirk's eyes darted away from Spock's just as his first officer met his blue stare. Rhea again. _

_"Would you like a tour of the Great Hall?" Rhea asked, smiling in the strange way Leerans could smile, as they had practically no mouths. _

_Kirk shrugged and nodded his assent, following the woman passed the crowd and through hallways of paintings of what Kirk assumed were Leeran diplomats or heads of state. _

_"Mr. Spock, the one who is with you, he is a Vulcan?"_

_Kirk started at the comment. The way in which she had said 'one who is with you' suggested knowledge of his and Spock's relationship that went beyond that of their professional relationship. No one on the Enterprise, save Bones, knew of that relationship. Kirk didn't even know of that relationship. Not entirely. His fledgling romantic liaison with his first officer being such a tentative and new thing._

_"Uh…he is my first officer," Kirk replied awkwardly, "and yes, he is Vulcan. Well, actually, he's half Vulcan and half human."_

_Rhea started as if physically struck. "Such relationships are common?" They were entering a private chamber now, one that seemed to serve as an office of sorts to Lord Camden, the seal that was on the Leeran flag emblazoned in a gold emblem above a simple desk. _

_"Not exactly," again Kirk felt awkward at where this conversation was going. "Well, Spock's sort of special," he answered lamely, rubbing at the goosebumps on his arms where he felt cold suddenly. Rhea's arm came around his and before he could casually brush it off, more hands were upon him, pushing him down. There were hands everywhere, particularly on his head and over his face. His vision went white before he could even scream. _

* * *

Silence.

Spock willed away the pain in his head. In his heart.

"What did they want from you, Jim?"

He had not expected a response from the expanse of white, but thought he heard a quiet, _"I don't know."_

* * *

"Spock. Spock." He felt hands on him. Unwelcome hands. He batted them away fiercely until he opened his eyes and met the furious brown gaze of the Enterprise's chief medical officer.

"Doctor McCoy." Spock blinked. He was tangled in Jim's sheets. On Jim's biobed.

"What the hell did you do?" McCoy demanded, thrusting Spock's hands away from his face. Spock's eyes narrowed at the accusation.

"I do not know what you speak of." McCoy gestured wildly to the machines by Jim's bedside. Machines being fed information from lines attached to the Captain. The information currently being displayed clearly suggested only one thing. Spock's chest tightened inexplicably. Jim was dying.

*** * ***

Next (Part 2/?): "Spock's late entrance onto the bridge was met with complete silence. Chekov, eyes bright and wet, held his for a few moments before returning to the controls."


	2. Chapter 2

As You Were (2/?)

Spock's late entrance onto the bridge was met with complete silence. Chekov, eyes bright and wet, held his for a few moments before returning to the controls.

"Lieutenant Sulu," Spock's voice boomed in the expansive space of the bridge, "set a course for the Vulcan II colony." Spock felt the collective gaze of the ship fall upon him.

"Captain," Uhura spoke neutrally, the words rolling off her tongue like weights. "I believe our orders were to return to Starbase."

Spock's eyes were friendly when they met her dark stare. "There is a Starbase not too far from the Vulcan II colony, but I cannot, with clear conscience, relent in my task to help Captain Kirk. Not until all measures have been exhausted. If I am unable to find someone there to aid us, we will return to the base at once."

Uhura's shoulder relaxed immediately and he saw for just a moment, a trace of the goodwill and humor she had in her eyes from before, when she was in love with him. "Aye, Captain."

"Course set for Vulcan II, Captain," Sulu announced. Spock followed Sulu's gaze to Chekov and from his back to Lieutenant Uhura. His crew was alight with hope. He willed the feeling in himself as well, although quietly preparing himself for devastation. "Warp speed."

* * *

"I believe that the Leerans tampered with Jim's mind although to what extent and for what purpose, I do not yet know."

Spock watched as Doctor McCoy paced in the tiny space of his office, occasionally muttering something under his breath. "I knew we couldn't trust those water breathing bastards."

Spock's mind drifted back to what he had seen in Kirk's mind through Kirk's eyes. "The Captain," Spock paused and McCoy stopped pacing and gazed at him curiously. "I was able to meld with Jim and saw what he did before he was attacked by the Leeran woman. She was asking about me, specifically, about the relationship between Jim and myself."

Bones opened his mouth as if to retort, but paused, changing his mind. "Rhea, the Leeran that was apprehended for Jim's attack, confessed to wanting Jim and that was why she telepathically attacked him. If that was the case, it could have just been godsbedamned jealousy."

Spock shook his head. "I do not believe that was the case."

"Then what did she want with Jim and who put her up to it?" McCoy asked, the weariness seeping back into his voice.

Spock crossed his arms behind his back and looked away from the doctor's despondent stare. "I do not know."

* * *

Spock stared at the PADD on his lap, having stopped reading the words on its screen long ago, and tossed it lightly onto his nightstand. He informed McCoy's medical personnel to keep him updated on the Captain's status throughout the night. He wanted to know immediately if Jim took a turn for the worse. _Needed to know._ He had his science officers pull up everything and anything they had on Leeran physiology, culture and history, but the range of sources was limited.

The official Federation report cited desperation for the reason for Jim's attack by the Leeran woman. The population of the Leerans had been decimated by generations of plague and low birth rate. The Leeran as a people were desperate to reproduce. A cause the Vulcans were not entirely unsympathetic with. Spock, however, quashed any and all sympathy for the creatures from his mind. There was, however, no sign of an assault on the Captain. Indeed, to Spock and Dr. McCoy's mutual bafflement, there was absolutely no indication of any physical stress anywhere on the Captain.

After his fourth failed attempt at acquiring sleep, Spock rose from his bed and made his way to the sick bay. If he was going to worry about the man all night, he may as well do it by his bedside.

_"Jimmy, will you hurry up," Sam called out impatiently, waiting for his younger brother at the bus stop, watching Jim shrug on his jacket. _

_"Sorry! Hey, you were supposed to wake me up," Jim cried petulantly, his pace quickening at the sight of the approaching bus. _

_Sam rolled his eyes. "It's not my fault you sleep like the dead."_

"Commander? Mr. Spock?" A woman's voice.

Spock blinked once and then again until his vision cleared and he saw Nurse Chapel hovering in front of him. He had fallen asleep, he assessed, his hand on top of Jim's. Slowly, he curled his fingers into the spaces between Jim's and savored the warmth there for a few fleeting moments. _"Don't go away just yet."_

* * *

A/N: Very short update spurned by my need to fix a typo from the first chapter. Anybody willing to beta this please e-mail me, I'm unfamiliar with this site's software and the new ways in which it will mess with my formatting.


	3. Chapter 3

As You Were (3/10)

Warnings: The next few chapters until the end are where the warnings from the first chapter kick in….in full force. Language and sexual situations, although I think it's relatively tame. If you don't know where babies come from, please don't continue on or otherwise skip the fourth section…then go ask your parents where babies come from.

* * *

_"Chess."_

_"What?" Kirk queried with just an edge of "are you out of your mind" in his voice. _

_"I enjoy this game," Spock proclaimed setting up the pieces without meeting Jim's bewildered gaze. He and Kirk had been sitting in Kirk's quarters for several long moments in uncomfortable silence before Spock found the electronic board buried underneath several data pads. After a moment, Jim shrugged and began setting his own pieces, each to their own proper position. _

_"Did you just admit to having a preference for something?"_

_Spock's eyebrows rose at this. "Displaying preferences is not illogical. Indeed, it would be illogical to perform activities not to one's preference." _

_"But it's emotional," Jim interjected with a broad smile. _

_"It is not."_

_"Is too."_

_"Preferences are choices. Choices are innate to all sentient beings. Whether they are human, Vulcan or…ape."_

_Kirk laughed. "Somehow, I don't think apes play chess." After a moment's deliberation, he re positioned a rook across the board. "Your move." _

* * *

"Spock. Spock! Dammit man, slow the hell down!" McCoy cried, unceremoniously plowing into any and all unfortunate ensigns who stood between him and the object of his ire.

It was a familiar habit of Jim's to press his palms to his temple whenever he felt displeasure, particularly when related to Doctor McCoy. Spock resisted the urge to do the same now.

"Is there something you require of me, Doctor McCoy?" Much to McCoy's distaste, the Vulcan's voice was every bit as wooden as ever.

"It's not working."

Spock stifled a protest before it could form on his lips. Oh, but it was working, Spock thought darkly. Just not in any way Spock could explain to a human. Or even a Vulcan perhaps. How could he explain to Doctor McCoy that he was all at once closer than he has ever been to Kirk and yet, unable to reach him? The residuals of their link even now, even three floors away from Jim, who still lay as motionless as ever in sick bay, was causing ringing in his ears.

Spock paused, attempting to pull together a response even as McCoy continued to scrutinize him. "It is not working the way it should."

"And we are headed to Vulcan II because…"

Waiting a breath before he spoke, Spock calmly replied, "Because if I cannot help Kirk then I need to find someone who can."

McCoy nodded slowly, watching as Spock continued to the bridge.

* * *

Admiral Pike himself conducted the interrogation of the Leeran woman, Rhea, several days following Kirk's attack. Spock was able to retrieve a preliminary recording of this interrogation and viewed it at least once a day between shifts, combing through the details and searching for something, anything the other Starfleet personnel may have missed.

He knew the recording so well, he could quote both the woman and Pike word for word. He used the controls of his media player to scroll through the preliminary minutes of the interrogation, passed personal information on the woman's background and emotional appeals from Pike for her assistance in helping Captain Kirk. None of that was relevant to Spock's search. He stopped at a familiar scene. One he had replayed more than any other.

_"What happened once you took Captain Kirk to Lord Camden's suite?"_

_Rhea looked up at the screen, away from Pike's hard stare. "I wasn't trying to hurt him."_

_"What were you trying to do?" Pike asked, taking the seat opposite the woman and forcing her eyes back upward when she began to play with the metal encircling her wrists. _

_"See," she responded, recoiling from Pike's touch and looking away from him again. _

_"See what?"_

_She hesitantly met Pike's eyes, unease on her face. "We needed to know how he did it."_

Spock stopped the video play. There was something there that he was missing. Spock shut down the media console and stood, gazing out as the Enterprise cut through the black expanse of space. Here, in the deep throes of the ship, Spock felt like the mythical Jonah in the belly of the whale. A few ensigns stopped and acknowledged his presence as he made his way through the corridors, back to his quarters. He would not sit with Jim tonight.

* * *

_Sex baffled Kirk. He thought of that as he undid the hooks on Gaila's bra, pulling it apart like the twin shells of a clam. Oh, sure it was pleasurable. He kissed her bright red mouth and pulled at the slinky material of her skirt. _

_When he was sixteen, he lost his virginity to a girl from a rival school in the wooded area behind the soccer field the night of the big game. He didn't remember her name or her face. He had fumbled with her bra for few minutes before she simply shoved his hands away and undid it herself. He thinks she might have had red hair. But that was when he was sixteen and he thought sex was love or that the two naturally followed one another. _

_Spock looked nothing like Gaila. A strange observation to be making as the lithe body under him pressed harder against him. While Gaila's skin and eyes were an iridescent green and blue, Spock's skin was a dark olive and his eyes were nearly black under the low light of his quarters. This was without stating the obvious discrepancies as a small thrust from Spock clearly demonstrated that the body beneath him was decidedly male. _

_"God, you're beautiful." He mutters, sinking his teeth into a particularly sensitive spot on the side of the Vulcan's neck. He knew Spock hated that sort of sentimentality. Never mind that it was true and Kirk meant it. Although Spock seemed to have either not heard him or chosen not to acknowledge it. _

_He thinks that this might be love. Spock thrusts again and in the blackness all he sees is white. _

* * *

Spock curled and uncurled his fingers, waiting for the tingling sensation in his fingertips to dissipate. To borrow a euphemism from the good doctor…_Damn._ It was dark in his quarters and soundless, save for the desperate panting for breath that Spock realized suddenly was coming from him.

The communicator in Spock's quarters trilled softly, a pinprick of red light in utter darkness.

"Spock."

"Captain?" Uhura had the conn. "We are approaching Vulcan II."

* * *

A/N: There will be plot in the next few chapters. I promise. Many thanks for all your support.

Next (4/10):

"It is illogical to dwell on events not in the present."

"Human memories are a sort of metaphorical sea. One in which they are constantly treading water."

"Is it my understanding that you believe Jim is 'lost at sea?'"

"Precisely."

"And I must find him in this 'sea' of memories."

"I would do it. I would if I could. But I am not you and he would not have me in your stead."


	4. Chapter 4

As You Were (4/10)

A/N: Now with betaed goodness from the wonderful JadeMac2442. I also fixed the typos pointed out to me from chapter one. Many thanks to the reviewers.

* * *

Spock had only been on the Vulcan II colony twice since he began his commission on the Enterprise. Neither of those times had been social visits and as no one was expecting him now, it was not difficult for Spock to pass Sarek's private chambers in the Vulcan Council without a second thought. Instead his eyes were scanning each face he passed in search of Healer Selek, his elder counterpart.

In the end, however, Selek found him, gesturing with an elegant hand for him to come forward and take a place amongst the small gathering of Vulcans accompanying him.

"I have a private matter that requires your immediate consult," Spock interjected when he approached.

The healer nodded and quietly extricated himself from a previous conversation he was engaging in and motioned that Spock should follow him down the corridor. "Mr. Spock, how may I be of assistance to you?"

"It is not working," Spock told him, his usual wooden voice flush with unfamiliar emotion. "He is dying."

Selek visibly stiffened, eyes widening. "I believe it would be best if we started this discussion again and from the beginning."

Spock nodded and told him everything that he could, taking care to leave out the details that would be deemed classified by Starfleet. As Spock spoke, he noticed his counterpart's eyes flitting from left to right as if thinking about another time, another place.

"I have heard of such things happening to others," Selek finally spoke, in a hushed voice. "Humans mostly as their minds seem particularly vulnerable to such injuries."

"Your Jim was never attacked in such a way," Spock had to ask.

Selek shook his head. "Fortunately not and once we were bonded, I imagine our bond served to protect him from such attacks."

"Then why did the bond between Jim and I not protect him now?" Spock asked, lowering his voice further.

"Maybe it did." Spock started.

"But if that were the case, why is he unwell?"

"Interspecies mind melds are always dangerous and these Leerans obviously had no notion of what they were doing," Selek spoke these words with as much disdain as Spock had ever heard from another Vulcan.

Spock took a moment to collect his thoughts and then spoke his mind. If he could to anyone, he could to Selek. "None of this matters if I cannot help Jim."

Selek nodded. "Then I will be brief. It is my belief that your bond, however weak and young it is, protected Jim from the Leerans. It allowed him to retreat to safety into the far corners of his mind and it is from this place you must now draw him back."

"In my melds with him, I have found his mind to be in absolute disarray," Spock paused, struggling to find the words to describe the flood of memories and emotions that threatened to overwhelm him, all seeping into him from the young captain's mind.

"You are aware of the differences in the state of minds of humans as opposed to Vulcans?" Selek queried in a strangely teasing voice. "Surely you have learned from Jim. The human present state of mind is never, shall we say, in the present."

Spock grimaced, "It is illogical to dwell on events not in the present."

"Human memories are a sort of metaphorical sea," Selek continued, "one in which they are constantly treading water."

"Is it my understanding that you believe Jim is 'lost at sea?'" Spock studied the elder's face, looking for deception that was simply not there.

"Precisely."

Selek could tell his counterpart was uneasy, although he noted with some amusement that Spock must have thought he hid that fact very well. "And I must find him in this 'sea' of memories?"

"I would do it," Selek told him in a slightly pained voice, "I would if I could. But I am not you and he would not have me in your stead."

Spock nodded, lowering his eyes. "I am grateful to you for your insight."

"I told you once that I thought it would be selfish of me to use my usual farewell for you, but I believe in this particular instance, it is warranted."

Spock mirrored the gesture. "Live long and prosper."

"Spock," Selek called out as the other had turned to leave, his voice grave. "If you cannot help him, no one can."

Spock could say nothing to this, but nodded, acknowledging the truth in this statement and continued his way down the hall.

* * *

The Enterprise was to remain in Vulcan II's orbit for another week. Officially, the crew was on a diplomatic mission, to assist the colony in any way needed and reaffirm relations with current Vulcan leaders. Unofficially, Doctor McCoy was monitoring Captain Kirk's failing health closely and should Spock prove unsuccessful in improving it, if Jim continued to show signs of physical deterioration, they were to report to the nearest Starbase, only a few hours from the Vulcan II colony, and relinquish care of the Captain. It would be a terrible fate for such a great man, to die quietly in the sick bay of a random space station with his ship, his crew, far beyond his reach.

Spock allotted himself two hours to meditate on his elder counterpart's words privately in his quarters before he would go to Jim. He quietly vowed not to leave it until Jim recovered or the week was over, his time was done and Jim was gone.

As he had not kept his crew informed on any of this, it was illogical of him to feel such rage at the quiet knock on his door. He felt it anyway. He was expecting perhaps Doctor McCoy or one of his science officers, but not at all, "Nyota?"

The lieutenant stood with her hands over the doorframe, her right leg slightly in front of her left. It was a nervous stance.

"I haven't," she paused and smiled slightly, tilting her head towards him, "kept in touch with you with all that's happened."

"I have seen you every day on the bridge," Spock responded curtly.

"Not like that and you know it. We were friends once. Are friends still," she said with a small sigh and a slight shrug of her shoulders. Uhura was not beyond bringing up their former familiarity, especially when she knew she could get no further any other way. "Can I come in? Just for a moment."

Spock stepped aside and Uhura sat at the edge of his bed, watching him as he slowly approached and sat on the opposite end.

"I saw him, just now. Doctor McCoy says they're making him comfortable." She sounded awkward.

"I know." He sounded unlike himself as well.

Uhura does not respond, instead she traces the lining of Spock's white sheets with her fingers, not unlike what Spock does when he sits with Jim. She eyes the grey sweater that he has carefully folded and draped over the side of the bed. He was planning on wearing it again when he sat with Jim that evening and had prepared it for just that occasion.

"What is the story behind that thing anyway?" Uhura asked, brushing her fingertips across one side of the sweater. Spock reflexively pulls it away, startling her.

"I apologize," he said setting the garment back down, "I do not know why I did that."

It pained him to see her smile at him so tolerantly. "Is it Kirk's?" She inquired after a moment. Spock looked up from where he was still fingering the delicate grey cloth.

"Negative. Although he purchased the garment for me four months ago while on shore leave." _Oh come on, it's hot. You'd look hot in it._ "…I tried to deter him from doing so. The garment does not suit me. The Captain was unconvinced."

Uhura rose, a slight look of discomfort on her face. Spock stifled a wince at his words. He was not just "the Captain." Not then. Not since. He was certain that Uhura knew that, although he never formally told her. "Sounds like him," she said with a soft laugh, eyes darting away. It was illogical of him to want her to understand. It was also impossible.

"He requested," Spock paused and Uhura's eyes returned to his, "He spoke to me in jest of his desire to see me garbed in it before he died."

"Spock," Uhura extended a hand to him and moved as if to approach him, but Spock did not allow it.

"I must depart. I will see you on the bridge."

Spock did not wait for her. Twin doors opened and shut and Uhura was alone.

* * *

_"Jim."_

_"Yes, Bones?" Kirk chimed innocently._

_"Please tell me you did not tamper with the Commander's test."_

_"You did not tamper with the Commander's test."_

_"Jim!"_

_"What, Bones?"_

_Bones sputtered for a few minutes before collecting himself and shaking his head. "You are unfucking believable. What did I get myself into associating with you?"_

_"Now Bones, I'm hurt."_ _Kirk pointed at himself with an air of amusement, "We're talking purebred Iowa farm boy here. Me? Get into trouble?" Kirk scoffed._

_"He will kill you."_

_Kirk scoffed again. "The Commander and I merely have a difference in opinion."_

_"Oh? And how's that?"_

_"He believes in no-win situations."_

_"I'm going to regret asking, but fine. I'll bite," Bones sighed, "but you, Jim?"_

_"I just don't believe that there's no way I can't win." _

_Bones snorted and waved Jim dismissively away. "He will kill you." _

Spock blinked. It was dark in the sick bay despite the flurry of activity that signaled the beginning of Alpha shift. McCoy must have come and dimmed the lights so that he could sleep.

It had been four weeks, two days, three hours and nine minutes since Jim collapsed in the Leeran hall. For the first time since, Spock allowed himself a small indulgence and wallowed in this moment of despair.

* * *

Next (5/10):

"Yes, at some point in the childhood of all Vulcans, we are taught how to navigate the tumultuous minds of our chosen mates."

"Really?"

"No."

"Well, it shows. You suck at this."

"Your critique is acknowledged."


	5. Chapter 5

As You Were (5/10)

A/N: Much thanks to JadeMac2442 for the beta.

* * *

_Jimmy was good at this game and often played it with Sam, mostly without Sam's knowledge._

_"Jimmy? Come on, Jimmy, come out. Mom's coming home tonight and I want to meet her at the station."_

_Winnona Kirk didn't throw anything out that had belonged to George. Or that George liked. Or that George hated. Anything and everything except, of course, the actual man, had its rightful place, in a small, sectioned off portion of their farmhouse. Jim hid there a lot, mostly because he knew Sam loathed to go there and Jim liked the musty smell of his father's clothes, his father's trophies, his father. _

* * *

Spock blinked. This was becoming something of a habit. Spock found that rather distasteful.

"Spock." Doctor McCoy leveled his eyes at him in an obviously scrutinizing fashion. "How long have you been here?"

Spock startled at Kirk's face. There was silence for a long moment before Spock realized he had not answered the doctor's question. "Three point two hours."

McCoy took the seat on the opposite side of Jim and touched the man's hand. McCoy's skin was a dark, coppery color in contrast to Kirk's pale digits. After a moment, he quietly asked, "Do you know what you're doing?"

It was the question he had been expecting from every crewmember of the Enterprise, although no one has dared to broach it to him aloud. Of course it would be McCoy who would do it. He had kept the doctor more informed than anyone of his plans, mostly because the man demanded it, but also because he knew it was what Jim would want. Without revealing his counterpart's identity, Spock had related to Doctor McCoy all of what Healer Selek had informed him and what he had told him to do.

"Yes, at some point in the childhood of all Vulcan children, we are taught how to navigate the tumultuous minds of our chosen mates."

McCoy sputtered at that and Spock was unsure how much of it was merely surprise at his frank description of his relationship with Jim. Spock was surprised himself.

"Really?"

"No."

"Well, it shows," McCoy snorted, already recovered from his shock it seemed, "You suck at this."

"Your critique is acknowledged." Spock refused to look at Doctor McCoy; instead he studied Kirk's drawn face. He had visibly declined since Spock entered his sick bay room less than four hours ago.

"I have never seen him look this bad," he heard McCoy lament,  
"and I've seen him after he confused an Orion male with a human tranny and was subsequently shot up full of medication he was allergic to. Please tell me you know what you're doing."

"I know what I am doing," standing right next to him and McCoy barely heard his words.

McCoy inquired, "Do you?"

He didn't. "No, but I did as you requested."

McCoy pulled both of his hands through his hair, groaning.

"I think we're going about this the wrong way."

"_We_ are not going about this in any way. _I_ am doing all of the work," Spock stated in tone that was the closest to a whine McCoy had ever heard from the first officer. In actuality, there only a slight inflection in the Vulcan's voice, but from Spock it was a temper tantrum if he'd ever heard one.

"I understand that to the Vulcan mind, humans are a big ball of noisy emotions."

Spock eyed McCoy with no small bit of weariness. "That is a fair assessment."

"But if we boil it all down, we're all skin and bones, right? So maybe the way you think you should be doing this is wrong because you're trying too hard to conform to what you think humans are when you really should just go along with your old Vulcan ways."

"It is of my opinion, Doctor McCoy, that with the absence of Captain Kirk, you have decided to adapt his mannerisms."

McCoy gestured dismissively, "If it were you, if you were hiding in your head, who would know where you would be?"

* * *

The bridge was quiet when Spock stepped in, heralded by the sound of slicing air as the doors parted. Lieutenant Sims rose from the captain's chair at his approach, but Spock gestured him to remain as he made his way to the controls at the communications station.

He does not intend to leave Jim for long, but McCoy insisted on conducting his examination alone. It was the look in the man's eyes that convinced him to leave, despite the vows he made. McCoy obviously had vows of his own.

On Earth, in Iowa, it was the middle of the night. He remembered visiting there with Jim once, to his childhood farmhouse. It was harvest season. He remembered standing in a field with Jim and seeing nothing but gold for miles and miles. It made sense to him then, that his Jim would come from such a place. He too, grew golden.

He let his hands trace over the right numbers, turning the words he would say in his head over and over again. He could leave a message and have it sent for arrival tomorrow morning. It was the best course. It was the middle of the night in Iowa. Her knowledge of the situation for those few additional hours would bring her no comfort.

"_Spock." Jim's fingers were almost green in the strange lighting of his quarters, a mixture of fluorescence and twilight. His fingertips were warm when they met his. "I want you to meet her Spock. She'll like you, you know," Kirk turned to him, his face aglow in the soft green light, "me though, she'll probably kill me."_

Spock blinked. The recorded communication had already run for two seconds.

"Good morning, Mrs. Kirk."

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the short update. School has started and I had a family emergency this week that put me in a bad mental space. More to come soon and much thanks as always to all the readers and reviewers.

Next (6/10):

If James Tiberius Kirk reminded Spock of the golden fields of Iowa, then George Samuel Kirk reminded Spock of the Vulcan desert with his severe mouth, angular jaw and ruddy brown hair. Illogically, Spock desired to like this man and for this man to like him.

The face on the screen seemed to be studying the location of their transmission carefully, as if it was map he was using to plot a destination. After a moment, his eyes rejoined Spock's, noticeably softer.

"What's wrong with Jimmy?"


	6. Chapter 6

As You Were (6/10)

A/N: Last update before the long weekend. A big thank you, as always, to JadeMac2442 for the beta.

* * *

Winona Kirk had sleeping habits similar to that of her son. Meaning that she didn't sleep or at least, she didn't sleep very much. An assessment Spock made when he was hailed from the bridge, the third time he had been sent away from sick bay, because one former Lieutenant Kirk was requesting an audience. From the way Chekov hesitated at the words "requested," he assumed Mrs. Kirk requested things of people like his son did. He had Chekov transfer the comm to his quarters.

"My apologies for the late hour, Mrs. Kirk."

She looked older on the tiny vid screen than he remembered. Her oval face framed by messy golden hair that she tossed loosely back. "Hello Spock," she said kindly. "I was wondering when you would comm me."

Shame was illogical and emotional, but human mothers were skilled at wielding it like a weapon. Spock knew this from experience.

"I was told an officer from Starfleet informed you of Jim's condition."

"If by 'informed' you mean some petty officer in San Francisco left me a message at a time in which he knew I wouldn't be home, then yes. I was 'informed'." Her voice was not unkind, despite the abruptness of her words and sighed. "I'm sorry Spock. You're the first live person from Starfleet to speak to me in three months."

Spock nodded. "I am seeking assistance in aiding your son."

To her credit, Winona Kirk seemed to barely react to this, but simply curled the hands at her sides gently to a fist. "What do you need?"

"I need a memory or perhaps a significant event in Jim's life. A…happy place…he could go to in his mind when threatened."

Winona smiled like her son. "Spock, I think in that matter, you know would know better than me. Most of Jim's better memories are probably of Starfleet."

Spock starts, "But surely…"

"Surely, yes," Winona laughed shortly. "When he was five, I took him with me to San Francisco and he saw the ocean for the first time. He then proceeded to try to drown himself, but damn if that wasn't the happiest I've ever seen him."

She paused, looking lost for a moment in her own memories. "But captaining The Enterprise has changed him. He caused a lot of trouble in his youth out of simple boredom. At school, he breezed through all his courses. His friends were simpletons. When he was ten, he drove his stepfather's antique Corvette off a cliff because he was mad at him for something or another. I don't remember. I don't even think Jim does."

"Has he said anything to you recently? Anything that may aid us?"

"Lately when we talk, all he talks about really, is you."

* * *

_Jim Kirk got into fights a lot. He knew the principal's and vice principal's offices very well. He preferred the vice principal's office. She had posters on her wall and pictures of her kids, twin girls. She was kinder to him. _

_Without a word, Nurse Chaplin handed him a cold compress. Her hands were very wrinkly, blue and red veins standing out in contrast to her pale skin. He avoided staring too hard at them and thanked her with a toothy grin._

_"Jim?"_

_Someone had summoned his mother of course. He wasn't surprised. He was surprised she was actually here._

_"I thought you were off world," he said in greeting, watching as she wordlessly took the seat next to him and covered her face with her hands. She looked small there. Not like the Starfleet lieutenant she was. For a moment, Kirk was truly sorry, but does not say so. After a moment, Winona took her hands away from her face._

_"I love you, you know," she said without looking at him. "No matter what you do, I will still love you." _

_He loved her too. He wanted to say so. Say that he was sorry, that he wasn't going to get into any more fights and that she wouldn't have to come down to the principal's office any more. But he didn't and the moment passed. _

Spock blinked. His hand was still on top of Jim's. He removed it. There was another he needed to try.

* * *

If James Tiberius Kirk reminded Spock of the golden fields of Iowa, then George Samuel "Sam" Kirk reminded Spock of the Vulcan desert with his severe mouth, angular jaw and ruddy brown hair. Illogically, Spock desired to like this man and for this man to like him.

The face on the screen seemed to be studying the location of their transmission carefully, as if it was a map and he was plotting a destination. After a moment, his eyes rejoined Spock's, noticeably softer.

"What's wrong with Jimmy?"

It only took a small inquiry to find the whereabouts of "Sam," known to everyone else except Jim as "George," Kirk. He and his wife were researchers on Deneva.

He was everything Jim was not, a reserved, yet distinguished man with an impeccable academic record, but nothing out of the ordinary, a follower perhaps, rather than a leader.

Spock chose not to answer his question, but rather begin with the preamble he had prepared. "Good evening, Mr. Kirk. I apologize for the interruption of your work."

Waving him off, Sam looked at him, a hint of irritation creeping into his dark eyes. He looked more like Jim then. "I don't need to hear any of that. What's wrong? This is The Enterprise I'm hearing from now? Jimmy's ship? And yet you're talking to me instead of him? Something's wrong. Just tell me."

He acted a bit like Jim as well, Spock thought. He did indeed like this man.

* * *

_"What was he like?" Jim asked, swinging his legs where they draped over the tractor. _

_"What was who like," Sam's voice came muffled from somewhere on the other side of him. _

_"Dad."_

_Sam's brown head emerged from under the tractor, his face set to grimace. "What do you want to know?" Jim shrugged. "I don't know much and remember even less," Sam responded with a similar shrug, "but you look like him."_

_Jim's smile was like sunlight._

* * *_  
_

_"It is splendid, is it not, Jim?" Sam asked, handing him the PADD._

_Jim eyes were like ink in the darkness and he squinted at the PADD screen. It was late. Very late and mother would be upset if she knew they were not yet in bed, but Sam had sounded so urgent in calling him away from his quarters. He wanted Sam to like him. Wanted Sam to know him._

_"What is it?" The image was a small sphere of swirling blue and white light. It was beautiful. _

_"Sha Ka Ree," Sam said with wonder. _

Spock gasped. Eyes snapping open. With great force of will he commanded his body to relax. Take in air. Blink. It was not possible. Jim did not know.

His feet carried him to his comm and his fingers inputted the appropriate series of numbers. He did not know the hour at the Deneva colony. When he first spoke with Sam Kirk, he was careful to call at the hours he was told Sam Kirk would on shift. He took no such care now. His conversation with Sam Kirk, like his conversation with Winona Kirk, yielded much insight into the man, but little else.

_"He's probably happier on that ship of his than he's ever been. If he's stuck in his head, he's probably not with me. He's probably with you." _

The man who answered Spock's comm was not the man he spoke with earlier in the day and it took a few moments for Spock to convince him wake the researcher. Most, if not all, of staff at the research facility was asleep by now, and the man had harsh words for Spock for intruding.

"His brother is dying," Spock spoke tonelessly, "You will awaken him now."

Sam Kirk did not, however, look like he was sleeping at all when his face replaced the other man's on the vid screen. He was indeed still garbed in the uniform he was earlier when they spoke.

"Spock. Is something wrong?"

He felt like a fool. "I apologize for the late hour," Spock started.

"Never mind that," Sam interrupted, impatiently. "Tell me if something's happened to Jim."

"His condition remains the same," Spock assured him and with that Sam's posture visibly relaxed. "It was not my intention to frighten you. I have discovered an anomaly and wished to speak to you about it."

"An anomaly?"

"Affirmative," Spock responded with a slight nod, "Do you know what the Sha Ka Ree is?"

At Sam's puzzled expression, Spock felt even more foolish. "Sa Kee Ra?" Sam attempted to repeat.

"Sha Ka Ree," Spock said again. "You do not." It was no longer a question.

Running a hand through his dark hair, Sam nodded and stifled a yawn. "Afraid not. What does that have to do with Jim?"

"It does not. I apologize for disturbing you at such a late hour and thank you for speaking with me. Live long and prosper." He closed the comm down before Sam could respond.

Spock continued to stare at the vid screen long after it had gone dark. It was not possible. Jim did not know. He did not even tell Jim about Sybock.

* * *

Next (7/10):

No. It could not be her.

"What are you doing here?" Spock demanded, the light becoming almost painful now. The Leeran's mind, however, seemed to make up in brute strength where it lacked in refinement and Spock felt himself propelled backwards.

Spock awoke, gasping, McCoy's arm in his peripheral vision. "No," he cried, batting away the doctor's hypospray.

"Are you out of your goddamn Vulcan mind?! You almost fucking well died a second ago. What the hell happened?" McCoy roared, nostrils flaring. With some reluctance, however, he set the hypospray down, giving Spock his best unimpressed glare.

Spock took a breath. Then another. Gathering his composure to him like a child wrapping himself in his blanket.

"It was her."


	7. Chapter 7

As You Were (7/10)

A/N: Thanks to JadeMac2442 for the beta.

* * *

_He was never good at hiding from his mother. So when Sam quietly came up to her, hours before the start of the ceremony, and told her he couldn't find him, he knew she would know where he had gone. _

_Winona Kirk also liked to sit in that room, surrounded by George and vacant of him at the same time. So it was no surprise that she found him there, curled on his side, picking absently at one of George's old uniforms. She also isn't surprised that Jim had managed to lose both his tie and his jacket in the process of getting up there. She does not announce her presence to him, merely folded her legs to sit down beside him. _

_Her dress was not white. She wore white for George. She wore ivory for Frank. It was a small detail, but one Jim noticed now, staring intently at the edges of her dress darkening from the dirt on their storage unit floor. It was less noticeable with the ivory. _

_After a few moments in silence, he spoke, "Mom? Why are you doing this?"_

"_I want to be happy Jim," she said, picking at the dark edges of her gown, "Don't you want me to be happy?"_

_Jim eyes were bright, despite the darkness of the room. "Don't we make you happy, mom? Sam and me?"_

_Winona nodded, pulling Jim to her and running her fingers through her son's fine blonde hair. "You do. You both do. But it's different with Frank. It was different with your father. Happiness is," she paused, still holding a lax Jim in her arms and pressing her lips to his blonde head, "happiness is having someone you love call you by your name."_

* * *

_It is late when the last of his mother's guests packed up to leave. Jim does not know how late, but it felt like it had been dark for a long time. Sam was asleep in one of the white chairs and Jim considered poking and prodding at him until he woke up so someone could take him to bed. But he saw his mother, sitting alone in another white chair and went to her. He wanted her to hold him suddenly. She did. She held his hand and curled an arm loosely around his waist. _

* * *

_His mother had beautiful hands, Spock thought, watching her work the fingertips of them into an earth fruit, peeling the orange skin back to reveal the flesh underneath. They are not like the hands of his father or any Vulcan for that matter. Her fingers were not as long and their color far too white, but Spock thought they were beautiful and when his mother smiled, he believed for just a moment that maybe she could read his mind after all. He took the fruit from her and bit into its sweetness. _

Spock blinked, aware at an instant that he was awakened by unnatural means. Uhura stood at the door, much like she did a few days ago, although now there was purpose in her dark stare.

"Spock. You look terrible," She chided gently, handing him a warm beverage. He took the offering from her, careful to avoid touching her hand.

It was tea. Good tea. "Thank you," he spoke between slips of liquid. "This is pleasant."

"You spoke to Jim's mother and brother."

Spock nodded although it didn't sound like a question, "Affirmative, however, they were unable to provide me with any assistance in my task."

Uhura eyed him in her gentle, nudging manner and Spock continued, "Both insisted I am the most qualified candidate to ascertain where Jim has retreated to. As I have continued to be unsuccessful, their assessment is obviously flawed. I have plans to speak with Doctor McCoy tonight."

"Don't tell me it hasn't occurred to you that maybe they're right?"

Spock said nothing, but raised an eyebrow slightly in quiet inquiry.

"How many of these memories that you have been searching through are of you?"

Spock held the beverage gingerly in his hands, letting its warmth seep between his fingers. "There is a danger in doing so."

"Danger?" Uhura sat opposite of him now. Hands to her side. Not touching. ."What sort of danger?"

"Jim and I are not bonded. Although we have developed an initial connection to one another, it has not fully developed into a bond between mates. The deeper I venture into his mind, the harder it will be for me to pull away. I have already begun to unconsciously strengthen our connection even now. Our memories have begun to…comingle."

Uhura shrugged, the discomfort never leaving her eyes. "You love him?" She thought Spock looked a bit uncomfortable as well, but maybe she just wanted him to.

His lack of hesitation surprised even him. "Yes."

"I don't see a problem then, Spock. Go get him." Spock said nothing. There were times when he and Uhura were together where it seemed she understood him implicitly. It was one of the reasons he thought he loved her and although that fact had changed, some things did not. "You're scared," she assessed.

Jim he almost never understood. The feeling was largely shared. His relationship with Uhura was one of comfort, intellectual equality and kindness. With Jim, it was an illogical, all encompassing passion, one that made it hard to direct his emotions, steer his thoughts and tread through his memories. It was because he loved Jim that he was failing him so completely.

Spock flinched at the touch of Uhura's hand. He had not spoken for some time it seemed and struggled for a moment for a response to her words. "Such a bond once created is not so easily sundered."

"You love him."

Unbidden, impatience crept into his voice. "You have already asked this of me."

"I wasn't asking you a question that time, Spock," Uhura said with a sigh. "You love him."

"It is not enough."

"Look Spock," Uhura's tone shifted slightly to that of a lecturing one, "Everybody, humans and Vulcans alike, make all kinds of decisions like this. You think a mother gives birth realizing the enormity of her decision to bring life into this world? We can only go by what we know at any given time. You love him. If you don't try-" Uhura paused, eyes softening at Spock's stilted expression, "I'm sorry Spock, if you think I've misspoke. But if you don't try now, you may not get another chance. When you love somebody you really only have two options, let them know or let them go."

Spock stiffened. "If you are telling me I must let Jim go, I cannot."

Uhura smiled tolerantly and planted a chaste kiss to Spock's temple before rising. "I would never advise you of such a thing, but I am asking you to make a decision."

Focused on Jim's face, Spock did not hear her footfalls as she left.

* * *

_"Who I was. Who I am. Who I will be. We're all here. In this room."_

_Jim rolled his eyes and swiped one of Bones's shots. "No more alcohol for you. God, you're such a maudlin drunk." _

_Bones grunted and pressed his hands to the side of his head. "You're useless, you know that?"_

_"I'm useless? I've had to sit here for over an hour while you lament about your failed marriage. If that's the speech you gave Jocelyn, it's no wonder she left you."_

_"Thank you Jim. That's fucking beautiful. What the fuck was I thinking expecting comfort from you."_

_Jim rolled his tongue, forming a "tsk" sound on his lips. In his hands, he was balancing the empty shot glass between two long, pale fingers. "She left because she wanted to leave and you left because you had no reason to stay. There's no poetry in that, Bones."_

"_I did love her, you know."_

_Jim snorted. "No, Bones, you really didn't. You know why?" Jim continued despite Bones's subtle request that he 'shut the fuck up.' "Because if you loved her, you'd be with her. Simple as that."_

* * *

_It was September on Earth, meaning soon the oppressive heat of an Iowa summer would die down to something slightly more tolerable than scorching. It was a chilly day in San Francisco, however, as Jim hefted his leather jacket over his shoulders and watched as his crew began loading the new pieces equipment onto his ship._

_"Captain."_

_Jim did not need to turn to know who had spoken. "Spock, you know we have another…two hours of shore leave. You can call me Jim," turning, Jim watched the Vulcan make his way towards him. "Actually, you can call me Jim even if we weren't on shore leave. It's my preference." _

_To no great surprise to Jim, Spock seemed to ignore his rambling and proceeded to list all the repairs and upgrades made to The Enterprise, both finished and unfinished. Jim scanned the PADD Spock handed to him and nodded. "Looks good to me. I'll have Scotty do some preliminary tests to make sure everything's running smoothly before take off."_

_Spock gave a slight nod of approval. "That would be advisable, Captain." _

_"Jim." Kirk had spoken at the same time as Spock, knowing full well his first officer would refer to him by his rank again. _

_"May I ask why it is so important to you that I refer to you by your name?" Spock asked tonelessly. If Kirk noticed any hint of irritation in Spock's voice, he did not acknowledge it. Instead he shrugged._

_"Because it would make me happy." _

_Spock paused at this and inclined his head. After a moment, Kirk noticed his shoulder slump slightly into a more relaxed position. "Very well then. Good-bye, Jim." _

_Kirk grinned, "Thank you, Mr. Spock."_

"Jim." Spock curled his fingers slightly around the other man's. His voice seemed loud in the utter silence of the room.

* * *

_It was a red sunset on Tarsus. Fitting, Jim thought, as he silently made his way to the emergency transporter. He was still clutching the little girl's hand in a grip that had to be uncomfortably tight. She said nothing the whole way and her grip on his hand was equally tight. _

_Jim had seen plenty of spaceships before. His mom was a Starfleet lieutenant and while he always thought they were impressive, even awesome, they had never looked like angels before to him. He clutched the tiny hand under his and closed his eyes, feeling the wind whip dust over his face as the transporter touched down. _

_God, he wanted to go home. _

* * *

"_You taste good," Kirk grunted and as if to confirm this, he traced the grooves of Spock's neck with his tongue. Spock arched, wordlessly giving his approval while simultaneously making it more difficult for Jim to gain access to said neck. Jim, however, didn't seem to mind and sprawled closer, drawn to the Vulcan's warmth. _

"_You did not finish your oratory for tomorrow's diplomatic talks."_

_Jim almost laughed. This was Spock's way, to talk about banal things while Jim had his tongue down Spock's "fun places." _

"_I have a few hours to knock it out tomorrow. Don't worry about it. I work best under pressure," Jim's smirk was incandescent in the dim light. He paused, feeling Spock shift under him. _

_Spock's eyes were black in the darkness. "You will stay?"_

_Jim knows that Spock only means for the night, but a part of him clinched at the words anyway. A soft kiss in response, not blatantly sexual, almost shy, if James T. Kirk did "shy." _

"_To me, you are home." _

_* * *  
_

"You are getting better at this."

Spock blinked at the expanse of white light. He was not awake. Not in sick bay.

"No." The denial was on his lips before he completed his analysis of the situation. It could not be her, but it could be no one else.

"What are you doing here?" Spock demanded, the white light becoming almost painful now. The Leeran's mind, however, seemed to make up in brute strength where it lacked in refinement and Spock felt the sensation of hands on him, all over him, pushing him backwards.

* * *

Spock blinked awake, gasping. McCoy's arm was in his peripheral vision. "No," he cried, batting away the doctor's hypospray.

"Are you out of your goddamn Vulcan mind?! You almost fucking well died a second ago. What the hell happened?" McCoy roared, nostrils flaring. With some reluctance, however, he set the hypospray down, giving Spock his best unimpressed glare.

Spock took a breath. Then another. Gathering his composure to him like a child wrapping himself in his blanket.

"It was her."

* * *

Next (8/10):

"Spock. You look like shit."

Spock did not turn around, hardly moved at all except to run a dark finger down the front of Jim's hands. "As always, doctor, I appreciate your candidness on this situation."

"Don't give me that bullshit Spock. We all know you're an emotionally retarded bastard," McCoy ran a hand through his mousy brown hair. "Most of the time anyway. Look, there's nothing to goddamn feel guilty about. You're doing all you can."

_"It's not my fault you sleep like the dead."_

_"He will kill you."_

_"Me though, she'll probably kill me." _

Spock turned at this. "I am afraid I have to ask you to clarify as I am uncertain as to what you mean."

McCoy snorted, shaking his head. "Goddamn, you emotionally retarded bastard."


	8. Chapter 8

As You Were (8/10)

* * *

"Spock. You look like shit."

Spock did not turn around, hardly moved at all except to run a finger down the front of Jim's hands. "As always, doctor, I appreciate your candidness about this situation."

"Don't give me that bullshit Spock. We all know you're an emotionless bastard," McCoy ran a hand through his mousy brown hair. "Most of the time anyway. Look, there's nothing to goddamn feel guilty about. You're doing all you can."

_"It's not my fault you sleep like the dead."_

_"He will kill you."_

_"Me though, she'll probably kill me." _

Spock turned at this. "I am afraid I have to ask you to clarify as I am uncertain as to what you mean."

McCoy snorted, shaking his head. "Goddamn, you emotionally retarded bastard. The fuck you don't. I feel pretty damn guilty myself for not being able to do more," McCoy sighed and threw himself down on the chair opposite of Jim. "But it's been weeks, Spock and we've done all we can. This guilt you're carrying now, like that god awful sweater of yours, it's unwarranted. We all know you love him. He wouldn't want you to kill yourself over this."

It was an insight Spock was not expecting. Guilt was illogical. You either did what you could or you did not. Uhura had said the same to him in another way. Do it or don't. The in-between was killing him.

"Thank you, Doctor."

McCoy answered with a gruff, "You don't need absolution from me, Spock."

* * *

_"All right, so first round is on you," Jim said, setting down two glasses. _

_"Ha! I'm pretty sure all the rounds are on me," Bones complained, but took his glass from Jim, who only smiled in reply. Bones ended up footing for four rounds to Jim's two._

_It was after hours now certainly, but they knew Tony and Tony would let them stay, passed out on the floor as the last thing he needed to sweep up before he left. Jim's arm was around Bones's waist and Bones was a warm weight pressing against Jim's side. It wasn't like that between him and Bones. Wasn't like that. But sometimes, Jim kind of wished it was. _

_"Hey, Bones?" Jim whispered because the warmth beside him hadn't shifted for several minutes and Jim half suspected Bones was already out. His suspicions were confirmed when Bones shifted slightly, groaning. _

_"Yeah, Jim?"_

_"Do you miss her?"_

_No need to ask who Jim meant. There was only one "her." Only one reason he was in a seedy bar with a Starfleet cadet on a warm summer night instead of home. Wherever that is these days. _

_"Only in the mornings."_

* * *

_"Hi."_

_Spock blinked. His internal clock telling him it was a bit too early to be awake. His hands sought and clenched around a tuft of messy yellow hair and then pulled. _

_"Ow. Hey." A pale hand emerged from the blankets to bat his hand away. "You woke me." _

_Jim pulled the covers away from his head and beamed. "I woke up before you. That was a first, so I thought I would say 'Hi.'" _

_Jim imagined in any one else the expression on Spock's face would be accompanied by an eye roll. Instead, Spock rose and began making the bed. A rather difficult thing to do with Jim still in it and all._

_"Hey." Jim said again in the same petulant tone as before._

_"You are awake, therefore, you should have no issue with me making the bed and preparing for the beginning of our shift."_

_Jim groaned and batted Spock's hands away again and tried to pull the Vulcan back into bed. "Spoilsport."_

_Spock glared just once more before heading into the bathroom for his shower. He emerged to an already made bed and Jim pulling his command gold uniform over his head. _

"_You never do you know."_

"_I never do what?"_

"_Say 'hi' to me in the morning."_

"_Is this an Earth custom I am unaware of?" Spock asked, changing into his uniform now as well. _

_"You know Bones once told me he only misses his wife in the mornings?"_

_"Is that so?"_

_"Yeah. Said there's something about having someone say 'hi' to you in the morning. It makes getting up more bearable, you know?" Jim was chewing on his lip, a sign that this was perhaps an awkward conversation for him. Sometimes he thought Jim asked too much of him, but most of the time he thought Jim asked for too little. _

_"Hello Jim."_

_Jim's smile was sunshine. _

_"Hi Spock."_

* * *

"You are Spock."

Spock blinked and knew he was not in the sick bay. Hers was a voice Spock had heard over and over again repeating the same words.

"You are Rhea." He answered, bracing himself for the struggle to stay in Jim's mind. None came however and the woman merely blinked at him as if in a daze.

"We did not mean to hurt him." Her voice was as gentle as a hiss could sound. "We were trying to survive. We needed to know how you did it."

"How we did what?" Spock asked.

"Bond."

"Vulcans are able to mind meld as well as bond with other sentient beings. Are the Leerans unable to?"

"Leerans are unable to bond with others that are not Leerans. We do not know how. A bond must be in place for reproduction to be successful. Our numbers are few. To survive, we must look outside of Leeria. This is why we joined the Federation."

Spock saw it now and undoubtedly, Jim would have spotted it sooner, but for him, for Vulcans, it was unheard of. "My people. We do not typically bond with non-Vulcans. It is often looked down upon. It never occurred to me this is what you wanted and why you attacked Jim."

"I did not attack!" She hissed. "We merely needed to know."

"But Jim does not know and now you are killing him."

Rhea angled her head in surprise and then relaxed it, a resolved look upon her face. "It is the strain of having the both of us here. He is only human."

"I am afraid I cannot tell you how to form such a bond either. I do not know what the telepathic capabilities of your people are. I can tell you that my bond with Jim," Spock paused and felt the truth in his words course through his veins, "It just is."

Rhea nodded. "We will leave him to you. We are sorry. We did not mean to hurt him. I did not mean to hurt him."

Before he could reply, she was gone.

He knew without returning to sick bay, that Jim was better now. The strain of being pulled in two directions by two telepathic beings gone. He just needed to call Jim home. But in the expanse of white, there was nothing but silence.

* * *

Next (9/10):

Spock blinked, expecting white light. Instead, his immediate line of sight was flooded with blue.

"Hi," Jim's smile was small, but bright. "Bout time you showed up."


End file.
